My self woke me up today at 6.00 am – and everyone who knows me will be very surprised that this happened. Usually at this time I actually go to sleep nowadays… I was surprised too, since essentially in the past 48 hours I have slept 8 of them, which is far too little for a boy my age :) But it was for a good cause: my mind started to tell things, processes were working in me, in that blessed state between sleep and wakefulness, where symbols and logic merge and the most beautiful progenies of their union come forth.
So, this morning I had some experiences which I’d like to describe, seeing that they form part of the thread this blog has. I see, for instance, the connections with Realisation #3 I wrote about in Spirituality and Sexuality, and with what I was writing yesterday, that there are certain physical functions in our bodies and minds that exist normally and should not really be interfered with.
For those bored, I repeat the pertinent part of Realisation #3 here: “These uncared for (until now) parts of me will never be integrated through external experiences – although they do play an important role (…) The work is much more internal and has to do with embracing into acceptance and love those parts of me that have been up to now denied”.
So, one of the nice realisations I had this morning was about what kind of experiences my up-to-now dismembered sexual center needs. While I was trying hard these days to think about them, I could not really conceive any other experiences pertaining to that center, apart from sexual ones. But now I think a step of understanding was taken.
As I woke up today, I could feel a certain inertia in my sexual center. As if there was something out of order, a thick thread that was not in place, quite strong and resistant to enter the flow. While still trying to sleep, I attempted to relax the region this thread occupied, somewhere below the bladder, and shed love into it, but this worked only partially. So, then I stopped trying to sleep and decided to do something about it. A blessing welled up, about this beloved part of myself that has not known and enjoyed the experience of union and integration, its presence into the light and its sharing with the other parts of me.
This blessing suddenly became what I can only describe as a lance from high up, that descended very fast and entered dynamically into my sexual center. It lasted for a brief moment, then dissipated. But not before, as I felt it, it installed something. I’m not sure what exactly it did install, but I got the following realisation: of course my sexual center needs external, sexual experiences – as everyone’s. But it also needs the internal experience of being loved, of sharing its qualities with the rest of me, of integration, of Union. Experiences it hasn’t had up to now, in its isolation.
It surprises me I hadn’t thought of that before, but this is the way things work with realisations: you have them when you are ready to integrate them. So no problem there. (more…)